That's What She Said
by Tragedy of Madness
Summary: Saddened that his crush doesn't notice him and irritated by the appearance of a new rival, Uzumaki Naruto decides to become a male model to win over the love of his life. Except life doesn't always quite turn out as planned. NaruHina
1. Chapter 1

ENTER THE AWESOME DIARY OF KONOHA STATE UNIVERSITY'S NUMBER ONE LOUDMOUTH PRANKSTER NINJA (yes, from now on, I've decided I will be a ninja. They're so cool!)--UZUMAKI NARUTO!

Actually, since it's my diary (wait, no, _man-journal_), you probably shouldn't enter...so, yeah! Enter and I'll beat the shit out of you bastards!

So, the name's Uzumaki Naruto. Wait, I already said that...Anyway, I'm eighteen years old and I just entered Konoha State University. Wait, I said that too... Whatever. I was given this diary man-journal to "record my thoughts and aspirations, since I am now entering manhood." I'm pretty sure Jiraiya only said that 'cause my old man was there, 'cause later he told me I'd better keep records on the _girls_, not my thoughts. That perverted ass is exploiting my college experience for his stupid porn books! Oh yeah, Jiraiya is the one that raised me, since my parents are always away on business trips. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's fun to see him explode when I call him "Nanny Jiraiya."

Besides, there's only one girl for me: Haruno Sakura. She's been in my class since the sixth grade and now we're even going to the same university! Yet, even though I am super cool and sexy, somehow, Sakura-chan does not love me.

What is a kickass ninja to do?

I'll just have to come up with a foolproof plan to win Sakura-chan's heart!

* * *

That's What She Said

by Tragedy of Madness

Ch. 1

* * *

A young, yellow-haired teen walked out of his freshman dorm, locking the door behind him as he went. He had lost far too many pairs of sunglasses and headphones to theft already. Swinging his messenger bag onto his shoulder, he stopped by the lounge to say "hey" to a few people before his eight o'clock class. Why did he sign up for a class before noon? 

"Hey, Shikamaru," he said, flicking a boy with his hair up in a high ponytail in the forehead.

Shikamaru tugged one of his iPod earbuds out of his ear so he could actually hear his friend. "Hey, Naruto."

"Radiohead and cookies again?" Naruto asked, gesturing to the iPod and snacks.

"Nah, The Vapors. You'll like this one, ninja-boy," Shikamaru said, handing an earbud over to Naruto.

_I think I'm turning Japanese_

_I think I'm turning Japanese_

_I really think so_

Naruto grinned. His friends knew about his latest obsession with ninjas. "Nice, but I gotta get to my eight o'clock class."

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered.

"We on for boxes tonight?"

"No. I told you, I'm not doing that. Get someone else to jump out of boxes and scare the shit out of people with you," Shikamaru replied flatly.

Naruto pouted. "Fine, I will. OI! LEE!!"

"YOSH! My youthful friend! Let the power of youth fire our souls!"

"Want to jump out of boxes with me, tonight?" Naruto shouted across the lounge, much to the displeasure of the people trying to sleep in their rooms down the hall.

"Absolutely! After I do a ten-K erg piece and one-hundred laps around campus!" Lee yelled back.

"Sure," Naruto said. 'I could never row in college,' he said to himself. 'It's insane.' Lee was one of the more disliked strokers on the KSU Crew team, not because he was a particularly nasty person, but because he set a back-breaking pace. "I'll catch you later. I gotta get to Chem. Maybe I'll get to set things on fire!" Laughing insanely, Naruto waved and jogged to the elevator to go three floors down to the ground floor.

* * *

Naruto noticed two things when he entered the classroom: Sakura-chan and a gaggle of giggling girls (plus three guys). 

"Did you hear?" one of the girls said. "Uchiha SASUKE is coming to our school! And I heard he was going to be in _this class_! I think I'm gonna DIE!"

"Like, I know, right?! He's so dreamy—"

"—and totally smart—"

"—and has, like, the sexiest body _ever_—"

"—and the darkest eyes you will ever see! They're like bottomless pools of—"

"—obsidian, his hair, I mean, and—"

"—you can't forget that the guy's filthy stinkin' RICH! I mean, hello?! He's—"

"—been voted the number one hottest male in the country three years in a row too, and—"

"—his dad owns the largest business in the world. He'd better pamper me when I become his girlfriend."

"No! I'm going to be his girlfriend!"

"What did you say, slut?"

"You heard me whoreface! I'm gonna be the one who bears his children!"

"No, I'M gonna have his babies!"

"Girls, calm down! We all know that _I_—"

"I'M PREGNANT."

All the girls in the room turned towards one boisterous blonde boy. Uzumaki Naruto had chosen at that moment to jump on the table and shout the said phrase. He was so sick of hearing about Sasuke, Sasuke, _Sasuke—_

"Well, that's good to know," came a cool, smooth voice from the doorway. "Next time, use protection. Now get off my desk, dobe." Naruto turned around to meet the "obsidian pools" of none other than Uchiha Sasuke.

Naruto glared at him, refusing to move from the table. "I don't like you," he said finally.

However, Sasuke never heard this, for he had been attacked by nearly every girl in the classroom, including Haruno Sakura. The girls pulled at his arms and clung desperately to him. Sasuke seemed completely unfazed. Quietly, Naruto jumped down from the desk and walked away, plotting Uchiha Sasuke's ultimate demise. His dark thoughts were interrupted when the professor entered the classroom.

All the tales they had ever been told about monsters and mad scientists seemed to converge into this one, disturbing man. He looked like a creepy, single freak who owned way to many reptiles and lived with his mother.

"I am Professor Orochimaru. Welcome to Intro to Chemistry. I will be assigning lab partners and you will be _silent._" He glared at the girls who were sending longing glances at Sasuke.

"First bench: Akimichi Chouji and Yamanaka Ino."

'Please let me be with Sakura-chan,' Naruto thought desperately while Orochimaru was talking. 'We have _chemistry_.'

"Third bench: Aburame Shino and Hyuuga Hinata."

'I wanted to be with Naruto-kun,' Hinata thought sadly, but she picked up her bag and moved to the third bench.

'Please let me be with Sasuke-kun,' Sakura thought. 'I will impress him with my vast chemical knowledge. Please!'

"Seventh bench," Orochimaru continued. "Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto."

"NO!" Naruto shouted. "I won't work with that bastard!"

"Naruto you idiot!" Sakura yelled, hitting his head. "Be nice to Sasuke-kun!" She smiled at Sasuke apologetically. He scoffed. Naruto frowned.

"If you don't want to work with him, then you can get out," Professor Orochimaru said. "Sit down and stop disturbing my class." He carried on. "Fifth bench: Haruno Sakura and Karin."

Naruto wasn't paying attention anymore. He was busy glaring at the Uchiha. If looks could kill, Sasuke would be dead and thousands of girls would be sobbing, their tears engulfing the world...or something like that.

"Hey, teme," Naruto whispered. "I bet you'd wear your girlfriend's pants."

Sasuke ignored him. Orochimaru was talking again, this time about the class. A paper was being passed around. "This is the course syllabus. We will be skipping over lab safety. If your pathetic high schools didn't tell you how to light a bunsen burner, then you can get out of this class."

Naruto, bored of staring at Sasuke, started poking at some containers with fine white powder in them. Taking a pinch, he sniffed the substance. "Mmmm...sugary," he thought, a happy smile spreading across his face. Stupidly, he poked his tongue out to lick the stuff. Sasuke watched this out of the corner of his eyes, wondering how he could have ended up sitting next to such an idiot.

SMACK.

Naruto jumped. A huge whip had materialized out of nowhere and had been slashed across his bench. "What. Did. I. Just. Say?" Naruto gaped at his teacher (what did he even need the whip for? Was that even legal? Ah, scary thoughts). "Since you clearly don't know better than to stuff foreign substances into your mouth, you can get out."

Naruto opened his mouth in protest.

"B-but—!"

Orochimaru towered over him. "Out! Get out of my sight! And if you're not out of here in ten seconds, _I will do things to you with this whip that you didn't even think were possible, Naruto-kun_," he whispered the last part.

Needless to say, Naruto hightailed it out of there.

* * *

Finally after one-hundred and thirteen minutes of waiting, the bell rang and the students rushed out. Naruto was leaning against the wall, scowling. He stalked Uchiha Sasuke, who had come out first (with a whole army of girls and some boys following him), with his eyes. 

"A-ano, N-naruto-kun?"

Naruto looked up to see a pretty, though rather timid girl, with long, black hair and pearl colored eyes. His expression immediately brightened and relaxed into his signature goofy grin. "Oh, hey, Hinata! Wow, long time no see! I didn't know you were in this class."

Hinata blushed and averted her eyes. "U-umm, I g-got the homework for you from P-professor Orochimaru's c-class." Her face was steadily turning redder. "H-here!" she shoved some papers in his face.

"Huh?" Naruto looked up, but Hinata was already gone. "THANKS HINATA!" he yelled, putting his overly-loud voice to good use.

That girl sure was weird.

* * *

The week before, Naruto had discovered two enormously gigantic boxes (they were so massive that even mere words failed to describe them) outside by the dumpsters at the back of the cafeteria. Immediately recognizing their potential, he'd hauled them off to his room, much to the displeasure of his roommate, Gaara. Now, this very evening, Naruto was going to put his sinister plan into action. 

"This merriment, I can feel it! The springtime of youth!" Lee shouted, carrying a box on his back.

"So, you understand how this works, right, Lee?" Naruto had explained the plan several times already, but Lee just did not have the gift, the same malevolent prankster mindset.

"Of course, my youthful compatriot."

Naruto and Lee set up their boxes in the shade of some large bushes outside the dorms. A few people watched them interestedly, but no one seemed to care enough to ask them what the hell they were doing. The two idiots crawled into the boxes and listened intently for approaching footsteps.

It took about five minutes, but eventually they heard the dull thud of what sounded like a steadily approaching pair of combat boots. Naruto counted silently to himself. "Three...two...one...BANZAI!"

"Holy shit!" Hyuuga Neji, a sophomore, shouted.

Naruto and Lee collapsed into a fit of laughter. It wasn't everyday you see one of the world's biggest ice cubes lose his cool, after all.

It took another few minutes for the pranksters to sober up, but they crawled back into the boxes for the next victim.

"—I'm serious, Ino! It's not the same for me. I love Sasuke-kun. I really do! I'm not just another fangirl. I care about him."

'Was that...Sakura-chan?' Naruto thought. He listened closely.

"He's just so dark and mysterious," Sakura said.

"And handsome," Ino chimed in. "He is a male model after all."

"Yes, he is. And you know how I love male models, especially those whose surnames start with a 'U.'"

They giggled.

Naruto's ears perked up.

Lee felt the fire in his blood.

"YOSH! Power of youth!"

Sakura and Ino ran away screaming.

* * *

Dear Kyuubi, 

Yes, from now on, your name shall be Kyuubi! No, naming diaries, I mean, man-journals, is not womanly (shudder)! How lame would it sound it I referred to you as my journal-type-thing? You gotta admit, Kyuubi sounds pretty cool and fierce, right, am I right?

Today was pretty interesting. I met this bastard nancy-boy named Sasuke (beware, bitch, for I, the fearsome ninja [wannabe, Uzumaki Naruto, will bring you down!) and my chem prof, Orochimaru, who has an unnatural obsession with snakes and little boys (he's a rapist, I'm telling you! He almost stole my precious virtue from me today in class! And I heard he has daily, er, get-togethers with the Intro to Biology TA, Yakushi Kabuto, in the supplies closet...).

Sakura-chan still hasn't confessed her undying admiration for me (although her punches are a sure sign of love!), instead she seems deluded by the devil, pretty-boy male model Sasuke. I don't know what she, or all those other girls, see in him! If I was a girl, which I'm not, I wouldn't go for him in a million years!

So, I have concocted a plan to win Sakura-chan's heart, once and for all!

I, Uzumaki Naruto (whose last name starts with a "U," dattebayo!) am going to become a male model!

It will definitely work.

* * *

**_Hey, everyone. So this is our first co-fic. If you haven't heard of us, we are oh CINEMATRAGEDY and MadnessinmyMethod (so check us out or suffer... unless you hate us). Certainly this has been a very interesting experience... detrimental to us paying attention in class... and funny as hell. We hope you enjoyed our first kickass chapter and will stay with us for the chapters to come. Professor Orochimaru says review (don't forget he has that whip... muahaha...). _**


	2. Chapter 2

Yo Kyuubi,

If I haven't mention how perverse my Uncle Jiraiya is, let me take a moment to do that. MY UNCLE IS THE BIGGEST SUPER PERVERT ON THE PLANT! HE **BRAGS** ABOUT IT! If that doesn't scream: "I'm watching you undress with a telescope through the hole in the fence" (not that I, um, _do_ that or anything… SHUT UP!) I don't know what does.

Incidentally, Nanny (that's Jiraiya) has had a few restraining orders lately. Not that I blame anyone for doing that, but seriously. Who do you think gets up at 3AM to bail the old geezer out of jail?

* * *

That's What She Said

Ch. 2

* * *

_Banana banana banana banana terra cotta, banana terra cotta, terra cotta pie!_

Naruto fumbled around for his cell phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, Naruto! How's it going?"

"You're in jail again, aren't you, pervert?"

Naruto could almost see his uncle frowning.

"What time is it?" Naruto asked, now fully awake and sitting up. "I swear, one of these days, we're going to discover some bastard child of yours out on the streets."

"It's three in the morning. I'm not responding to that last bit."

Naruto grinned. "So what do you want from me?"

"Come bail me out, punk."

"You are _so_ paying for my college tuition and beyond." He hung up before Jiraiya could protest.

"Your uncle again?" asked an eerily calm voice from across the room.

"Yeah, sorry. He was arrested again. I think he violated another restraining order," he added.

"Hn," Gaara said. "Delendam est Karthagino."

"Yes, yes. Carthage must be destroyed," Naruto said.

"And who said it?"

"Cato."

"The?"

"Elder. Crazy Latin nerd," he muttered.

"Just making sure you're awake," Gaara said. "Tell your uncle I said 'hey.'"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "I'll be back in a few hours," he said, grabbing his orange sweatshirt off the back of his computer chair.

Jiraiya was infinitely lucky that KSU allowed freshmen to have cars on campus. Naruto went out to his old, beat-up, probably-survived-a-hurricane, ready-to-crap-out-at-any-moment truck parked outside the dorm. The engine made an ungodly noise of protest as the key turned in the ignition. "Come on, Lassie," Naruto shouted at the dashboard.

The engine groaned one last time and then ran smoothly. "BOOYAH!"

* * *

The police station always had a quiet sterility to it. "Hey, Izumo, Kotetsu," Naruto said, nodding at two of the cops. 

"Hey, Naruto," the two guards replied. They knew him by name (very sad). "I'll get the paperwork for your uncle."

"What did he do this time?" Naruto asked Kotetsu. _As if I didn't already know_, he thought darkly.

"Restraining order violation."

_Ten points for me!_

"How much?"

"Ten thousand for bail because he's a repeat offender. Luckily, no charges are being filed so he won't have to appear in court."

Naruto pulled out the shinny, plastic credit card Jiraiya had reluctantly bestowed on him for occasions such as these. He exchanged it for a pen and a clipboard and began signing various things.

They brought Jiraiya out. The old man complained the whole way about police brutality as they unlocked his handcuffs. "Next time I say "Don't taze me, bro," don't taze me!"

"OI! Shut up or you're buying me a new car," Naruto shouted.

Jiraiya instantly sobered. "You're killing me, kid."

"You started it."

"Right, just get me out of here."

Naruto handed the clipboard back to Kotetsu. "You're free to go."

"Come on, perv."

"Not in public," Jiraiya hissed.

"Oh, please," Naruto said, jerking his thumb back at the police station. "They know."

* * *

If the age difference had not been so marvelously huge, Naruto would have looked like a parent picking up his son from the principal's office. 

"Is something wrong, Naruto?"

"It's four twenty-three a.m.," he said. "That's what's wrong."

"You're still mad about that?" Jiraiya asked. "Nah, you're never this mad. It must be something else…"

"Nothing I'm going to talk to you about."

"So, it's a girl, huh? Is she pretty?"

Naruto hit the accelerator a little harder, but it was still another half-hour to get Jiraiya home and out of his car.

"But she's not into you, is she?" Jiraiya continued. "Not surprising with Uchiha Sasuke around."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!"

"…Um…women's magazines…" Jiraiya said.

"Why do you read women's magazines?"

"You'd be surprised what you learn about women from their magazines. Anyway, point is: every girl is crazy about the Uchiha because he's a male-model… among other things."

"Tell me about it."

"So, naturally, you have to become a male-model to compete with him," Jiraiya said. Naruto was starting to wonder about his plan. "Gimme the wheel. We're gonna make you a male-model!"

"B-but, I wanna sleep, dattebayo!"

"Modeling never takes a nap!" Jiraiya shouted over the din of the motor.

* * *

One hour later, Naruto and Jiraiya were in front of "Legendary Sannin Incorporated," the most famous modeling company in the country. "More like 'Legendary Suckers Incorporated,'" Jiraiya muttered as they were walking towards the entrance. 

"Huh?" Naruto remarked, pressing his nose against the glass doors. "Ya' old fart! It's closed!"

"Shut up, kid," Jiraiya said. "We're not getting in through the front." He turned left.

"We're not?" Naruto jogged to keep up.

"Keep quiet!" Jiraiya hissed as he made his way toward the back entrance. "What, d'ya want to send me back to jail or something?"

Naruto perked up. "Eh, eh? We're doing something illegal? YEAH!" He punched the air. "Sakura-chan digs bad boys!"

Jiraiya slapped his forehead. "Just get in, fool." He opened the door.

Naruto snickered quietly as he walked through the gilded gateway, expecting to see glitz, glamour, hot-almost-naked models—

"Huh? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!" Naruto fumed.

It was a small, dingy, low-lit, little room with a few tables and a bar.

"Didn't I tell you to keep your trap shut?" Jiraiya whispered, dragging Naruto by the ear.

"Oww…"

"That's her."

"Who?"

"Tsunade, you dimwit! She's the one you have to impress!"

"Seriously? But, like, isn't she that chick who keeps putting those restraining orders on you?"

Jiraiya glowered. "Watch and learn, you little smart-aleck punk." He let go of Naruto's ear and sauntered over to a busty blonde woman. "Tsunade, baby, how's i—"

BAM

Jiraiya went flying into an empty table. Naruto kneeled down next to him. "Nice going, perv. Very smooth."

Tsunade stood up, her fists clenched.

"Uhh… Tsu-tsunade-sama," a black-haired woman stuttered from behind her.

"Quiet, Shizune!" the _endowed_ woman barked.

"L-look." Jiraiya got up, rubbing his backside. "It's not like that." Tsunade turned her amber eyes onto him. "I just promised the boy—" He pulled Naruto to him "—that I'd get you to make him a model."

Naruto grinned and gave a little salute.

Tsunade looked Naruto over, taking in the messy blonde hair, orange sweatshirt, and black pajama bottoms with little green frogs printed on them.

She burst out laughing. "You… expect _me_ to turn this kid into a model?" she gasped out. "I could take him on with my _pinky_!" She took a swig of sake.

"Oh, yeah?" Naruto said defensively. "Well, you're an alcoholic!"

Tsunade slammed the bottle down and glared at Naruto from under long blonde bangs. "Oh really? Well, since you're so confident, why don't you come try me out, blondie-boy?" She stuck her pinky out.

"You're on, grandma!"

Tsunade turned pink and Jiraiya shook his head. "Just for that comment, I am going to destroy you."

"Tsu-tsunade-sama," Shizune said. "He's just a kid!"

"Teenager!" Naruto interrupted.

"You aren't helping, idiot," Jiraiya muttered at him.

"Tell you what." Tsunade swaggered towards Naruto and poked him in the forehead with her pinky. Naruto frowned and rubbed at the growing red spot. "I'll give you a week," Tsunade continued. "One week to master the walk."

Naruto gawked at her. "A _walk_? Seriously, baa-chan—" Tsunade glared at this "—I walk every day! This'll be a piece of cake!"

Jiraiya smacked Naruto's head. "Don't be such a n00b, moron. She means _the_ walk. On the _runway_."

"Oh." Naruto scratched his head. "You mean with high heels?"

Jiraiys smacked his forehead again.

"Next week is the Konoha Fall Fashion show." Tsunade said, turning around. "That's where you'll be showing your stuff. If you have any questions, ask the other moron." She pointed at Jiraiya. "Have fun embarrassing yourself."

Tsunade started walking away. Shizune looked at Naruto apologetically, grabbed a little pig from under their table, and followed Tsunade out.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I _WILL_!" Naruto yelled out after her. "I'm going to be the best model ever. Believe it!"

Tsunade stopped at the doorway. "Oh?" she called out softly. "Did I mention that you'll be competing against Uchiha Sasuke?"

* * *

Kyuubi, 

I'm up on the dorm roof right now. Why am I on the roof, you ask? Well I was trying to practice this fancy walking shit, but Gaara kept blogging on his emo webpage about what a "gay loser I was (evil smiley face, evil smiley face, evil smiley face)." Seriously, he's so insensitive! (Besides, I'm not the one who takes showers to "wash away the angst and existential miseries of my tortured soul.") That and he was shouting more Latin crap at me and it was very distracting.

So now I'm walking, but apparently, I don't have to walk with high heels, after all! (which is good 'cuz those things are freaking uncomfortable! How do chicks walk in them?) But anyway, it's a seriously nice view from up here. I can see Sakura-chan playing tennis (she looks so hot sweating it up, yo. Yeah, never again.)

Crap! She's running to el bastardo! I'll be back, dattebayo!

* * *

**Part One of the Authors' Note: Extreme apology for the long wait.**

**Part Two of the Authors' Note: Story Time!!! So we're growing pea plants in AP Bio... for a transpiration lab or something... so being the nerds we are, we named the two plants Naruto and Sasuke! Naruto is taller and Sasuke even has leaves in the chicken ass shape. It was awesome... too bad we have to use them for a lab experiment... Does that make us Orochimaru... ewww creepy. **

**Part Three: Advice from our AP teachers. US History: Supply and Demand is like fractions where the bigger number is actually smaller. Biology: No! Don't write on the corn!**

**Part Four: A strong imploration (if that's a word) to review. **


	3. Chapter 3

Salutations Kyuubi!

Umm...yeah. Never saying that again. So the purpose today is to rant about my deep and undying hatred for all things numerical and math-related. According to my Advisor, KSU won't let me graduate unless I take a math course, so I'm stuck with a semester of Algebra. _Algebra. _It's a disaster. Numbers are letters and letters are numbers and just when you think it makes sense, they stick other shit in. Like f(x). Functions. Seriously, WTF? Can't they just keep the freaking y?

To add to the unending depression (rooming with Gaara has taken it's toll on me, 'kay?), Sakura-chan isn't in that class! Oh cruel world. But Gaara is there and he, like, draws all over my shit 'cause he's insanely good with math and finishes before everyone else.

Ooh, I have a theory that Jiraiya made a bet with Tsunade-baachan. He keeps sending me these random and annoying modeling tips and my inbox is dominated by them. I had to turn off my phone 'cause it wouldn't stop ringing with all his freaking text messages. On another note, I need a new phone number. Maybe 8-6-7-5-3-0-9...haha...get it?

No one listens to classic '80s music anymore.

Ahaha, I can't wait for morning though, I want to see how a certain prank on my least favorite model will turn out. I am so evil. And I'm completely okay with it.

* * *

That's What She Said

Ch. 3

* * *

Late in the afternoon of the previous day, Naruto had begun his sinister plan. The following ingredients were vital for his mission: a paper plate, a freezer, and a full bladder. With the yellow contents of Naruto's excretory system emptied onto the Dixie brand dish, he loaded the concoction into the freezer, under the dubious gaze of Gaara. The red-head had removed his ice cream before allowing Naruto to monopolize the freezer, and was now eating the delicious substance.

When something close to silence fell on the dorm late that night, Naruto removed his frozen urine from the appliance and proceeded up the stairs to Uchiha Sasuke's room. He broke the plate away from the frozen substance and tossed the paper carelessly in a nearby garbage can. Naruto got down and slowly slid the unpopsicle-like through the gap under Sasuke's door. Chuckling sinisterly to himself, he snuck back to his own room and eagerly awaited the morning by which time the melting process would be complete. That much he knew from Chemistry.

* * *

"HOLY SHIT!"

Several floors down in the dorm building, Uzumaki Naruto jolted awake with a grin plastered on his face. "Success, dattebayo!" he shouted, punching his fist in the air.

"Congratulations," Gaara said coolly from across the room, looking up from his laptop. "You beat the Uchiha. Now go clean out our freezer."

Naruto groaned. "Fiiine."

Someone pounded fiercely on the door. Naruto sauntered over and opened it.

"YOSH!" a green blob tumbled into the room. "Did you urinate in Uchiha Sasuke's room?" Lee asked.

Naruto grinned. "Frozen pee trick. I told you about that one, right? They step in it when it's melts by morning. It's a classic."

"My friend, you do not understand! This is horrible! Did you know he thought it was apple juice and tasted it? And not only that but you ruined his tomatoes! He eats them for breakfast, you know! He was sliding in your urine and knocked them over into that mess!"

Christmas had come early to KSU. "Did he really? That's even better! Wait, he eats _tomatoes_ for breakfast?"

"Uh, yes," Lee mumbled. "But this is terrible, Naruto!"

"It's his fault for being stupid and eating foreign substances," Naruto replied.

Gaara coughed loudly.

"You alright?" Naruto asked.

"Fine." Gaara replied. "I'm going to the library before you involve me in even more revenge. See you in Algebra."

"Must you ruin my good mood with that shit?" Naruto complained.

"Yes, I must." Gaara paused in the doorway. "By the way, look out for rabid fangirls."

"What, already? Huh! I haven't even done my first show, and already the girls can't get enough of me!"

Gaara walked away shaking his head, not surprised when he heard the stampeding sound of hundreds of girls chasing a screaming blonde kid that morning.

* * *

"Shika-kuun! Will you help me with my assignment?" a girl with (uber)long black hair called out.

"Sorry, Kin, I'm already helping Tayuya and Temari today," Shikamaru tiredly drawled out.

Kin pouted. "Fine. But that means I get you all to myself tomorrow!" she declared, skipping away.

"Dude. Shikamaru. You are such a pimp."

Shikamaru snored lightly.

"Hey!" Naruto bellowed in his ear. "Wake up, you lazy ass!"

Shikamaru opened and eye in annoyance and rubbed his left ear.

"Seriously!" Naruto plopped down on the grass. "How do you get all these girls?! I mean, you don't _do_ anything! You're a giant lump. A _blob_."

Shikamaru leaned back on his elbows. "Well, for starters...you don't see me shimmying up and down campus, shaking my hips around. And all the girls hate you because of what you did to Sasuke this morning."

Naruto turned red. "They don't hate me! They're in _denial_. And, furthermore, I am _practicing_. I am participating in Konoha's biggest fashion show and I need to master the friggin' walk, dattebayo! And it's totally the teme's fault for thinking the pee was apple juice. Honestly, is he five? Does he want a juice box? There is no way Sakura-chan would ever like such a boring guy."

Shikamaru sighed and looked to his left. "I wouldn't be too sure about that."

Naruto turned around.

"Sasuke-kun, wait up!" Sakura jogged up towards Sasuke, clutching a large, brown paper bag.

Sasuke paused as she ran up to him. "Sakumo, right?"

The rosette girl blushed. "Y-ye—I mean, no. I'm Sakura." She tucked a strand of pink hair behind her ear. "I heard what happened this morning, so, I—umm—here!" She stuck the bag out under his nose. Sasuke peered inside.

"Tomatoes?"

Sakura smiled shyly. "Yep!"

Sasuke stared at her for a moment. "Hn. Thanks, Sakuya." He walked away.

"N-no problem," Sakura sighed out, not seeming to notice that her crush had gotten her name wrong again.

"Bastard," Naruto growled, his hands clenched. "You are _so _going down Saturday."

"Yeah, good luck with that," Shikamaru muttered cynically.

"Thanks, dattebayo!"

* * *

Professor Ibiki was one of the most feared math teachers in the entire world, let alone KSU. Urban legends and myths surrounded him, spinning tales of torture, prison, and (strangely enough) a fondness for baking. Nonetheless it was abundantly clear that Professor Ibiki despised teaching freshmen Algebra.

Tables were arranged in the bland classroom with four seats each. When Naruto arrived, he found that Gaara had beaten him there and was seated in the back of the room. Plunking down in the chair next to him, Naruto muttered, "Good spot, eh?"

Slowly, the other students began filing in, some of whom Naruto did not recognize. Inuzuka Kiba took the third seat at their table. Kiba kept a puppy in his dorm, and so far had not been caught with the contraband creature. Most of the freshmen adored little Akamaru and hoped the RA wouldn't find out.

"I see you've stopped walking long enough to come to class," Kiba said to Naruto. The eccentric blonde made a face. "Oh, it's Hinata! Hinata, over here!" Kiba waved enthusiastically to the small, dark-haired girl.

She smiled softly and turned a light shade of pink when her eyes fell on Naruto. "Hey, Hinata!" Naurto exclaimed loudly. "Tell Kiba he's being an asshole. You like the way I walk, yeah?"

Hinata burned up and sank into her seat.

"Huh? Hinata? Are you okay? Do you have a fever?" Naruto leaned over the poor girl and placed the back of his hand on her forehead. He heard a faint "Tch, idiot," from Gaara and a little whimper from Hinata, who was now a dull puce. "Hinata, do you want me to take you to Health Services?"

"N-no, Naruto-kun. I'm f-fine," she whispered.

"It's okay, Hinata, you don't have to deny your feelings! Just shut up and come with me!"

Her world went black.

* * *

"I feel kinda bad for saying this, but it's lucky for us Hinata passed out. I mean, you heard about Ibiki, right?" Naruto said to Gaara and Kiba as they were waiting for Hinata to wake up.

"Do you think she's okay?" Kiba asked. "I wonder why she fainted."

"Probably heatstroke," Naurto said wisely.

"Nngh..."

"HINA-CHAN!" Naruto jumped on Hinata as she slowly started to get up.

"You idiot, get off of her!" Kiba yelled, and he and Gaara pulled Naruto off the girl. "Man, you don't just jump people like that!"

Naruto ignored him. "Hina-chan—" she blushed at this—"wait, I can call you that, right?" She nodded. "Yeah! We were so worried about you! Are you okay? Do you need water? Do you want me to carry you to your dorm?" He leaned over to put his hand on her forehead.

Gaara slapped his hand away. "Do you want her to faint again?"

Naruto glared at him, but then, almost instantly, brightened. "Ne, Hina-chan, I think it would be best if you got some fresh air. Wanna see my walk?"

Gaara rolled his eyes and Kiba gave a snort that sounded, oddly enough, like a bark.

Hinata turned pink and started tapping her two index fingers together. "Okay, N-naruto-kun!"

* * *

"So, how's this?" Naruto struck a pose.

"U-umm, g-good, but, maybe, you should remove your hand from your, um, b-backside, and don't do that circle thing with you fingers around y-your eye. Y-you remind me o-of the gym teacher, Gai, that w-way."

Naruto flopped down beside her and put his arm around her shoulders, laughing. He was completely oblivious to Hinata's inner struggle to keep from breaking down again.

_Banana banana banana banana terra cotta, banana terra cotta, terra cotta pie_

"Oh crap!" Naruto jumped up and began fishing around in his bag for his cell phone that was never in the same place twice. All the while, System of a Down continued to scream out from the canvas. "Ah-ha! There you are, you little sucker!" He flipped open the phone. "Hello? Ah, pervert. Yeah, I'm practicing as we speak. No, I do not want you to come over here. We both know that's an excuse for you to stare at college girls. Yes, you are that transparent! No, I will see you on SATURDAY! Yeah, whatever, just keep out of jail. Bye."

Naruto turned back to Hinata. "Sorry, that was just my degenerate uncle. I think he's got some kind of bet going on with this grandma, 'cause he usually only calls just once a week to make sure I'm still alive, or if he's in jail."

"Your uncle gets a-arrested that o-often?" Hinata asked, silently cursing her stuttering.

"Mostly just restraining order violations and mild sexual harassment," Naruto replied. "He's pretty harmless, I guess, just annoying."

"Oh."

"Speaking of annoying, why is your cousin so uptight? Neji is supposed to be our RA, but he's a complete prick."

Hinata mumbled something about not wanting to speak badly of her family, but Naruto seemed to be off in his own little world. The gears of his mischievous mind were turning rapidly.

"I have an idea!" Naruto announced. "But it'll have to wait until I become a model. Hey, d'ya wanna see another pose?"

Hinata's head drooped down.

"Huh, Hina-chan? Oh, no, not again!"

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was sitting in a familiar room in a familiar chair. It was his usual, pre-show briefing on his competition and attire (or, rather, lack thereof). Sitting at a modern Swedish desk that was in style these days was Sasuke's agent, Hatake Kakashi.

"Alright Kakashi, let's get this over with," Sasuke said, bored.

"Gee, no need to be so enthusiastic," Kakashi replied. "You have the usual competion and a newcomer. Tsunade has been betting again and some idiot is in the shine. I don't have a photo," Kakashi said. "Just a name."

"Well?"

"Uzumaki Naruto."

Sasuke snorted, trying to keep his composure.

"You know him?" Kakashi asked, raising his only visible eyebrow. The majority of his face was covered in stretchy black fabric.

"From the college I'm being forced to attend," Sasuke said.

"It's good for your image. Tell me about Uzumaki."

"He's completely hopeless. Uzumaki is more likely to come on the runway in an evening gown and heels, than make himself look good," he said.

"Well that should be interesting," Kakashi muttered. "Let's move on to what you'll be wearing..."

* * *

"Hey! Kid!"

Naruto turned around to see Jiraiya running towards him.

"What are you still doing here, moron?"

Naruto stopped fanning Hinata and stood up. "What are you—oh. _Oh_."

"Yeah, 'oh.' That was why I called you, you ungrateful brat! Hmph, telling me to 'stay out of jail,'" he added under his breath.

"Urgh..." Hinata sat up. "Wha...?"

"Hina-chan!" Naruto scurried over to her side. "Are you okay?" he asked for what seemed to be the millionth time that day. She blushed and nodded. Jiraiya rolled his eyes. "Great! Hey, do you want to go to the studio with me to help me pick out an outfit for the fashion show?"

It took all Hinata had not to get a nosebleed.

* * *

"Soo...what do you think of _this_ one?" Naruto jumped out of the dressing room for the nineteenth time, this time wearing a tight button-up white shirt, and even tighter (if that was possible) leather, neon-orange pants. He struck an '80s pose.

Hinata felt a bit lightheaded. "U-umm..." She looked down and started fiddling with her jacket zipper.

"Heeyy, Hinata," Jiraiya placed an arm around the girl and leaned towards her. "How 'bout you come check _my _clothes out?"

Hinata blanched.

Naruto marched over and hit Jiraiya over the head. "I said none of that! Save it for the retirement home with people your own age!"

"Why you—" Jiraiya was silenced as Naruto struck him again, giving Hinata time to extricate herself. A large, purple bruise was beginning to form on Jiraiya's jawline. "Knew I shouldn't have signed you up for karate lessons."

"I wasn't karate, you uneducated idiot. Jiujitsu."

"Same thing. Whatever. Go pick an outfit already."

"Hinata, I need help," Naruto said. "Can you pick something?" He gestured at the silver rack stuffed with clothes.

Hinata approached the rack hesitantly, half-expecting Naruto to change his mind. 'I'm dressing Naruto,' she thought. 'Oh God. No, stop imagining him without clothes on!' Shaking her head, Hinata trailed her fingers along the hangers and settled first on a black blazer with a stand-up collar. Hinata removed it from the rack and put it in his arms. She felt her cheeks go a slight scarlet as Naruto exclaimed over the jacket. In another five minutes, a wine red shirt, black pants, and patent leather boots had been piled into Naruto's arms and the model-to-be was thrust into the changing room once more.

"I have a good feeling about this one," Jiraiya said from the other side of the room since he was a tad bit frightened of his nephew's blind wrath. "You're going to have to pick the boy's clothes from now on if this works. He'll get superstitious."

Naruto emerged from the changing room and Hinata felt her breath catch. "What do you think?" he asked. Somehow he moved differently in these clothes. More...model-like.

"Something's missing," Jiraiya said.

"What?! I look awesome!" Naruto protested.

"No, he's right." Hinata gazed between the clothing rack and Naruto. "Ah-ha!" She snagged a pair of sunglasses. "Here," she said, putting the sunglasses into Naruto's outstretched hand. She felt a little electrical jolt pass through her as her fingertips grazed his hand.

"Yeah! These are perfect, believe it! Hina, you're the best!"

Hinata beamed.

* * *

Kyuubi,

I'm too sexy for my shirt. So sexy, it hurts. Cuz I'm a model if you know what I mean...okay, I'll stop.

But I really am sexy though. Don't deny it. It's not healthy. Speaking of unhealthy, I'm being nutritionally deprived! Jiraiya told Gaara to throw out the ramen (RAMEN, I tell you!) and the sweets. They even took away the _nutella_. But oh, the ramen, it's just too cruel.

Ooh, but I was thinking my model name could be Ra-man (Get it? Ramen-Raman?) Hinata didn't think it was such a good idea though. It's okay. I trust her judgement. Hinata's actually really cool even though she acts a little weird around me.

Anyway, wish me luck tomorrow!

le Naruto

* * *

**SONJA:**

**Hi guys! Thanks for reading, and sorry it took so long to get out. But, anyway, Andrew. Carthage. Long story short, Steph is a latin dork. Take that convo between Naruto and Gaara from ch. 2, and basically you get a classic conversation between me and Steph. Mais moi, je parle francais. AND I'M GOING TO FRANCE OVER APRIL VACATION AVEC MA CLASSE!!!! We're going to Paris and _staying with a family._ 00 Anyway, moving on, we've also decided that we are going to form a band called "Okazaki Fragments." You can find the best band names in bio textbooks. **

**STEPH:**

**So hopefully you understood the prank at the beginning. Sonja didn't which is why this chapter was a bit delayed (I come up with the prank ideas by the way. This one was a classic from the 80s when my dad was in college... yeah that's what engineers in training do to each other... I only have half his DNA)...anyway, another question from last chapter. No we didn't write on the corn, these guys in our class did. In retrosepect I wonder why we didn't think of it first. So we're sorry this took a while to get out. Collaborating takes a long time. Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and if you're wondering when the next chapter comes out, I'll keep you updated on our progress in our profile. Gaara says review and he'll share his ice cream with you (mind you he doesn't like sharing much).**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4:**_

Kyuubi,

I am in prison. Yep. Prison. As in jail. Locked up. Isolated from the rest of civilization with my only company being a toilet, a dead beetle I named Sven, and a very gelatinous cell mate (word to the wise, **don't** poke his flab).

So… yeah. It sucks here, even though I do feel pretty kickass for writing on the wall right now.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I need to rant about the fashion show. It was so f-ing awesome and I did such cool shit it is totally worth being in jail. Well… almost…

_Several days earlier…_

"Naruto! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Naruto turned from the mirror. "Uh… buttoning my shirt," he replied to a very uncharacteristically frantic looking Jiraiya.

"You were supposed to be ready an hour ago!" Jiraiya whined.

"I don't even go on for another hour," Naruto said, imitating his uncle's tone.

Jiraiya gave him a sour look.

"You have a bet with Tsunade-baachan, don't you?" Naruto accused.

"No, _you_ have a bet with her. And show some respect and call her 'Tsunade-sama.'" Naruto frowned. "To her face, anyway," Jiraiya added. They both snickered.

"Well, well, look who it is," a voice came from behind them.

Naruto turned around as he had been doing rather frequently it seemed. "Hey there, Sasu-gay."

Sasuke smirked. "So, taking part in the Konoha Fashion Show, are you?"

"Yeah, I am. Got a problem with it?"

"Oh, not at all. It's always fun to see which freshie's going to faint first, you know? Deadlast."

Naruto snarled and made his way to the other boy.

"No, Naruto!" Jiraiya reprimanded, pulling on Naruto's collar. "Your hair will get messed up!"

"It's already messed up! Let me beat up the pansy, dattebayo!"

Jiraiya struggled to hold his nephew back and turned a glare on Sasuke. "Get out of here!" he spat. Sasuke smirked and walked away. "Oi!" the old man shouted to get the attention of the struggling teenager.

Naruto glared at him. "What?"

"FOCUS!" Jiraiya bellowed.

Naruto crossed his arms and pouted. "Fine." Jiraiya released him and Naruto ran off.

"Hey!"

"I can't focus unless I beat the shit out of him!" he called as he disappeared down the hall.

"I need to wash that boy's mouth out with soap," Jiraiya muttered to himself. "Oh, son of a bitch!"

"Boy looks promising," an entertained female voice said.

"Crap, is there a trap door in here or something?" Jiraiya shouted at Tsunade. "Where do you people come from?"

* * *

"Saaasuke… oh Sasukeeeee. Where aare you?" Naruto called out in a singsong voice. He stopped in front of a door with a huge star on it. "Sasuke" glowed in blue letters across the middle.

Naruto smiled evilly. "Score!"

Quietly, he pushed the door open slowly, wincing slightly when it creaked. The lights were off inside, meaning Sasuke wasn't in there (or he was a vampire, which was a distinct possibility).

Naruto clicked on the light and decided to explore the immaculate room. It gleamed.

"This place is so… clean! Gross!" Naruto exclaimed. He flipped through Sasuke's modeling magazines disdainfully. Half the pictures in there were of Sasuke himself. "Narcissistic bastard!"

He strode off to the bathroom. Hair gel (ten bottles), tweezers, towels, and—

"A tampon? What the fu—?" Naruto looked as though he had walked into a room filled to the brim with ramen. "I knew it! I knew he was secretly a transsexual!" Naruto opened one of the drawers, still holding "le tampon." Inside were a box of tissues, q-tips, and the package of tampons… except Sasuke had crossed out "tampons" and instead labeled it with "nose-bleed suppressors."

"Creep."

Naruto walked out of the bathroom shaking his head. "Holy crap! Yes!" he shouted spying a metallic glint on the table next to the Sasuke-mags. It was a cell phone. "Of course it's black," Naruto mutter as he picked it up. "Emo." He scrolled through the menu, looking for a lovely new ringtone while softly singing: "I pick all my skirts to be a little too sexy, Just like all my thoughts they always get a bit naughty, When I'm out with my girls I always play a bit bitchy, Can't change the way I am, Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me."

When he was done, Naruto carefully replaced the cell phone not to its previous location but into a set of pants that hung blithely on a steely clothing rack in the corner, taking care even to wipe off the smudgy fingerprints he had left behind. Snickering softly, he crept out of the room and was on his prankster way.

* * *

"Where is that goddamn boy? He's on in two minutes!" Tsunade shouted at an equally furious Jiraiya.

"I'm here!" Naruto panted, skidding to a halt next to them.

"Where were you?" Jiraiya thundered.

"I got lost," Naruto said. It was partly true, but mostly a lie. He had been busy causing mass chaos. No big deal, right?

Tsunade pinched the bridge of her nose, feeling a terrible migraine coming on. "Ahh… just… just go." She happened to be standing in front of one of the numerous maps that were scattered through the building because a large majority of the model got lost the previous year.

One minute and thirty-seven seconds later, Naruto was in a line backstage, waiting to go on. Jiraiya came rushing to him. "You're on, kid!"

Naruto was pushed and shoved through rampant dark confusion (much to his resentment) until he burst onto a brightly-lit runway. Obnoxious techno music echoed through the room packed with glamorous and not-so-glamorous people. An immense number of flashbulbs went off. Naruto channeled his inner-model (since everyone has one of those) and began his trek down the runway.

A returning model hissed that he should stop smiling, but Naruto ignored his advice and whispered back, "I'm a fish. I do what I want."

"Go, Na-naruto-kun!"

Hinata had managed to push her way to the very front of the crowd. Next to her stood Sakura and Ino, mouths agape. Naruto grinned toothily and waved to the three of them. Suddenly, a massive, uniform scream echoed by the majority of the audience reverberated across the ceiling. Sasuke had arrived. Naruto turned to begin his walk back. As he passed Sasuke, he muttered, "I lost my digits, can I have yours?"

Sasuke being rather arrogant, especially where Naruto was concerned, completely and utterly ignored him. When Naruto disappeared behind the curtains, he ran past professionals trying to congratulate him and snuck off to the side. He began dialing fiercely on his vibrant orange cell phone.

From out on the runway, Naruto could hear the distinct electronic tones of the following song:

_I pick all my skirts to be a little too sexy,_

_Just like all my thoughts, they always get a bit naughty,_

_When I'm out with my girls, I always play a bit bitchy,_

_Can't change the way I am, Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy me_

A chorus of laughter echoed back from the stage and Sasuke rushed behind the curtain. He was livid. "What the _fuck_ is wrong with you?"

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" Naruto asked in a high-pitched voice.

"What?"

"Then you better let him out!"

"Eh?"

"Yeah, I don't get it either." Click.

* * *

"Naruto! Naruto! You must get out of bed immediately, my friend!"

Naruto groaned and pulled his pillow over his head.

"Naruto," a new voice muttered and then spoke in Latin, "Surgi!"

"Five more minutes, man," he muttered.

Naruto felt a cool breeze as somebody pulled his orange blanket with little penguins off of him.

"What the FUUU—oof!" A pillow was thrown at his head. Naruto opened his eyes to see that Gaara and Lee were in his room, staring at him. Naruto suddenly felt very self-conscious, wearing only ramen-print boxers. He picked up his blanket and pulled it across his chest.

"Ummm… what do you want?"

Lee bounded up to his bed. "Look!" He turned their small TV on to the Entertainment Channel. "Model Minute" was on. The headline "Charismatic new protégé takes Konoha be storm!" was flashing across the bottom.

"And the newspaper," Gaara said, handing him the fashion section. "Look here," Gaara said, pointing to a spot on the top of page sixty-nine. It was a quote by none other than Haruno Sakura. "…And we've learned that the sexy blonde's name is Uzumaki Naruto from friend (maybe more?) Haruno Sakura, 19. 'Oh, Naruto-kun and I go way back! We're really good friends. I actually helped him pick out his outfit.'"

"Ah-ha! I knew it was the model thing!" he declared enthusiastically with much gesticulation.

"Naruto, my friend, that was Hinata who helped you," Lee said, but Naruto didn't hear him.

"Do you think I should get a bodygaur—" Naruto was cut off as his cell phone began to ring. "Yeah, hello?" It was Jiraiya. "Yeah, Lee and Gaara just showed me. Really? No, I didn't see." Naruto flipped the pages in the newspaper to an article titled: "Famous Model Secretly Transsexual?"

Gaara snagged the paper and read the article as Naruto collapsed onto the floor. "A bit tabloid-ish, isn't it? Tampons?"

"What are tampons?" Lee asked only to be ignored.

Naruto paused his laughter for a moment. "Nah, he really has those. I snuck into his room and that's when I changed his ringtone." He realized that Jiraiya was still on the phone and grabbed his cell. "Yeah, sorry, pervert. Okay, I'll head in later today. Bye."

"Well?" Gaara said.

"I have to head in to the Modeling Agency to work out my contract," Naruto said. "So, anyway, I'm gonna go shower and sing Foo Fighters' songs badly." He grabbed a towel and head down the hall to the showers singing: "I am not alone, dear loneliness, You forgot, but I remembered this, Oh stranger, stranger, stranger things have happened, I know."

"Ah," Gaara said to Lee. "He wasn't kidding. And about the tampons… um… why don't you ask Shikamaru?"

* * *

Hatake Kakashi slammed a newspaper down in front of an apathetic Sasuke. "What the hell is this?" he shouted, pointing his finger at the word "transsexual."

"Uzumaki," Sasuke spat.

"And the tampons too? I told you to get rid of those!"

Sasuke shrugged. "It's fine. I'll make him pay."

"_No_," Kakashi said. "Tsunade-sama is working out a contract with the boy as we speak. He'll be untouchable."

"That won't be a problem."

"Hey! I am trying to keep you in a job! Work with me here!"

"Don't worry, Kakashi. I'm an avenger, remember?" Sasuke replied, smiling blandly and proceeded to leave the office without another word, scheming al the way.

Kakashi sighed and sat down at his latest fashionable desk, ready to remove large tufts of his grey hair from his scalp. "Goddamn it! I fucking hate models."

* * *

Naruto was strolling down the lawn with Hinata, gushing about his life as a model.

"… And Sakura-chan is actually starting to notice me!"

Hinata glanced over at Naruto. "R-really?"

"Yeah!" Naruto shouted exuberantly. "Some magazines are even thinking we might be—" he paused for dramatic effect—"a _couple._"

Hinata looked back to the ground, not wanting to say anything back. Her stuttering would be out of control, her voice would surely break, and everything would be so much more embarrassing, and stupid, and—

"Hinata-chan? Are you okay."

She looked up at him. "Y-yeah, I'm okay!" She flashed a quick smile and winced, noticing how her voice did indeed break when she said "I'm."

Naruto looked murderous. "It's a boy, isn't it? Who is it? What did he do?" He clenched his fists. "I'll make him cry."

"OY! Uzumaki!" Kiba strode over, looking furious.

"Eh! Was it him?" Naruto demanded, gesturing wildly at Kiba.

"N-n-no," Hinata said faintly.

Naruto didn't hear her and turned around to do gods knew what. Whatever it was that he intended to do, it never happened. Kiba's fist connected smoothly with Naruto's jaw which instantly purpled.

"N-Naruto-kun!"

Inuzuka Kiba glanced down at Naruto. The boy was sprawled out on the grass with a growing blue bump and a tiny bit of drool running down his chin. "Yeah, he deserved that," Kiba said.

"Kiba-kun!" Hinata protested.

"He was being a dick and you know it," Kiba said calmly. "You have to stand up for yourself, Hinata-chan. Or better yet, ditch him."

Hinata sighed and bit her lip.

"Either way, I'm going to be kicking his ass when he deserves it."

She watched him walk away across the quad and bent down to start carrying Naruto off to Health Services for an ice pack.

* * *

"Excuse me, what do you mean there's no ice?" Hinata asked.

The nurse looked at her sourly. "The football team just finished practice is what I mean. The KSU Foxes are going to get slaughtered again this year. Take the boy up to the dorm to rest. He'll be fine."

Hinata sighed and lifted Naruto's arm over her shoulder again. "I never knew you were so heavy, Naruto-kun."

Sasuke was brooding quietly as he walked across campus, followed as usual by his not-so-stealthy entourage of stalkers. And as he carried out this monotonous journey he spied Hyuga Hinata lugging his now arch-nemesis across the quad with a fair amount of difficulty. A smirk spread across his face and an evil plan worked its way into his head.

"Hinata, do you need some help?"

Despite her various stammered protests, Sasuke lifted Naruto off her shoulder and onto his.

"R-really, S-sasuke-san. I don't think Naruto-kun—"

"What happened to him?" Sasuke interrupted.

"Kiba-kun hit him and Health S-services doesn't have anymore ice because the football team is going to lose."

"And where are we going?" Sasuke asked, ignoring most of what Hinata said.

"W-well, I was going to try and find Gaara-san for the dorm key or take him to… to my dorm," she whispered.

They never found Gaara, so fifteen minutes later, Naruto was dumped only marginally gently onto Hinata's bed.

"Hinata."

She looked up, startled. "Y-yes, Sasuke-san?"

"You should find Gaara," he answered.

"U-um, okay. What about you?"

"Don't worry," Sasuke replied. "Naruto-_kun_ will be taken care of."

Hinata reluctantly opened the door and walked out, hoping that anything Sasuke might have learned in his after-class lessons with Orochimaru wouldn't be put to use on Naruto.

After Hinata left, Sasuke unleashed his true glare of hatred that had the ability to make babies cry. Naruto even shuddered slightly in his sleep. "You are a thorn in my ass--I mean side, yeah, side—Uzumaki. I'll show you who you're dealing with." He glanced at Naruto's somewhat sloppy attire and winced slightly as he realized exactly what his plan entailed. No matter; he had a trusty pair of rubber gloves in his back pocket that would be perfect for the job.

* * *

After about fifteen minutes of searching, Hinata had found Gaara up in a tree reading emo poetry. She quickly related the events in which Naruto had been rendered unconscious. Gaara shook his head sadly and followed her up to her dorm. When they arrived, however, they were greeted by a small squad of cop cars with flashing lights parked by the curb. A familiar voice was shouting, "Oy! I'm not a pervert, dattebayo! Okay, well, maybe I _have _picked up on some bad influences, but you can't just dump this whole 'indecent exposure' crap on me!"

Hinata averted her eyes abashedly as Naruto was marched in front of them, utterly bare save a pair of handcuffs.

"What the hell?" Gaara questioned.

Hinata gasped. "I left him with Sasuke!"

* * *

Kyuubi—

Yeah, so after I woke up with, like, _nothing_ on, what else was I supposed to do? Borrow Hinata's clothes?

It's not like her little skirts would've fit on me anyway--not that I, uh, _looked_ in her drawers or anything...

AND. OH. Seriously? Indecent exposure? W. T. F. Maybe I _like_ a healthy breeze blowing around my privates, thank you.

Well, I'm gonna go get down with my bad self (a.k.a. they're feeding me now! Contrary to popular belief, prison food is AWESOME!! Ramen, here I come!). Foshizzle.

Later, yo.

**Authoresses' Note: We apologize immensely for the lateness of this chapter. Yes, we know it's been nearly two months. We have a lot of really good excuses about exams and being in France (oCT: which now accounts for THE BEST TEN DAYS OF MY LIFE!! Speaking french 24/7, scammers, pickpockets, the metro! It doesn't get any better than that) and co-writing being difficult in general, but we hope that this chapter made up for it and we promise to be a good deal speedier next time around. Simply know that no matter how long the abscence is, this story is not being given up. If you ever are curious as to when we might be posting or why it's late, please check our profile. Thank you for putting up with us. Splee. **


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter Five:**_

_Oh, the fuckin' irony! Yes, I mean fuckin'. The perv came to bail __ME__ out of jail! I'm never going to live this one down…_

_So after chastising me in front of the cops (cuz, ya know, he wanted to at least __seem__ like a mature adult. Mature my ass) he slapped me on the back once we got out of earshot and gave me a talk about how streaking was how it all got started for him. AHH! _

_shudder_

_So logically, I need to find out who took my clothes (because clearly, Hina-chan isn't pervy like that) and make that bastard suffer the wrath of Ra-Man! Wow, I'm amazing!_

* * *

Naruto sat in Chemistry 101, ignoring Orochimaru-sensei per usual. Sasuke watched Naruto draw ligers and UFOs in the margins of his notebook.

"—now, when you're ready, call me over and I will give you the acid," Orochimaru continued.

Naruto yawned and lifted his shirt a bit to scratch at a point just above his belly button. Sasuke glared at him. "Oi, Dobe. Are you going to get the alkaline idodide or do a striptease?"

Naruto stuck his middle finger at him.

"Uzumaki," whispered a voice at his ear, "do I need to send you to the dean?"

Naruto gulped, turning around to meet the golden eyes of his professor, "N-no sir!" he squeaked out. Orochimaru "hmphed" and walked away to Shino's and Hinata's bench.

"I seriously don't know what he's talking about! All this talk about acids and titration and all I see is pink lemonade." He looked over at a bottle holding light pink fluid, smartly missing the "POISONOUS—HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED" label.

"Whatever," Sasuke said. "As long as you don't eat anything… Orochimaru, we're ready for the acid."

"Show some respect, Sasuke-kun," he hissed while handing him a small brown bottle. Naruto leaned back in his seat complaining about how thirsty he was. Sasuke uncorked the bottle and scooped some of the crystals out.

"Okay, so now we have to put this in the bottle with the two percent light…"

Naruto inched over and examined the substance. "Hmmm… looks like sugar."

Sasuke seemed not to hear him as he left to the other side of the room to get some starch indicator. He also seemed to miss Naruto putting sulfuric acid into the pink manganous sulfate. He came just in time to see Naruto put the bottle to his lips.

"No, you idiot! Don't drink that!"

Too late.

Orochimaru turned to see Naruto become a rather pale color. "I really should just let him die and win a Darwin Award," he muttered, "but then I'd get fired."

Several people had already dialed 9-1-1 with various versions of how Naruto had managed to ingest poisonous substances in a chemistry class.

"Poke your uvula and vomit, fool!" Orochimaru shouted, not caring that the method of poison removal might damage Naruto's throat and possibly affect his ability to speak.

"My what?" Naruto gasped.

"The dangly thing in the back of your throat!"

Naruto, who was in immense pain, questioned nothing and shoved his fingers down his throat and, triggering the gag reflex, felt rather unpleasant substances spill down his digits. Every girl in the class without fail, immediately said, "ew."

"You, Haruno," Orochimaru said, pointing a long finger at Sakura. "Take the boy out to meet the ambulance." An evil look silenced all protest.

"What am I supposed to do?" Karin, Sakura's lab partner, whined.

"Work with Sasuke."

"YESSSSS!"

* * *

"Konoha Modeling Agency's New Model in Controversy," Gaara read out loud from a newspaper. "What is this shit?"

"You know, if the newspaper depresses you so much, you should stop reading it," Shikamaru said from the floor where he collapsed just moments before, claiming it was too difficult to sit in the tooth-shaped chair that Naruto insisted on bringing into the dorm room.

"No, read this crap about Naruto being poisoned by Uchiha!"

"Can't you read it to me?" Shikamaru asked.

Gaara glared at him. "Read it."

"Fine, stop giving me your death stare, freaking emo." Shikamaru snatched the paper and propped himself up on his elbows to read. It took him only a few minutes to read, but it would have taken less time if he hadn't been complaining throughout the experience. "Wow, you're right. This is crap. And the Sakura speculation too."

"It's going to go to his head," Gaara said.

"Maybe Kiba should hit him again," Shikamaru replied from the floor.

* * *

"Umm, Sasuke-kun?" A pink-haired girl sat down next to a black-haired boy. He turned his head a bit to the left.

"Haruko-san, right?"

The girl blushed and straightened out her yellow skirt. "Actually, it's Haruno. Haruno Sakura."

"Hn."

"…"

"…"

"…?"

"What do you want?"

Sakura jumped up a little in surprise. "Oh, I… uh. I just wanted to let you know that I, um… I don't think you poisoned Naruto, Sasuke-kun!"

"Is that all?"

"Well, I—"

"Then I'm leaving. I don't need your sympathy." He got up and brushed off his pants.

"Wait! Sasuke!" Sakura called out to his retreating form. "Sasuke-kun." Sakura stared up at the sky to keep her tears from falling.

"Oi! OI! Sakura-chan!"

"N-Naruto, what are you doing here?" She quickly brushed her hand against her cheeks to clear away any treacherous tears that might have left a stain.

"Well, I was feeling much better, ya know, and I was wondering if maybe you'd wa—"

"Naruto, do you want to go out on a date with me?"

All hell broke loose.

* * *

Kakashi drummed his fingers on his desk. He wasn't happy. No… that was an understatement. He was livid. "Sometimes I wonder if you're as stupid as the Uzumaki idiot," he told Sasuke quietly.

Sasuke fumed with a silent rage.

"This incident is not good for publicity which has already gone to hell in a hand basket anyway!"

"I didn't poison the moron. He poisoned himself," Sasuke said scathingly, staring Kakashi down over his fashionable Swedish desk.

"You know what, I don't really care. Right now we have to save your goddamn image."

"And how do you propose that?" Sasuke asked.

Kakashi flipped through a tabloid on the desk; the front was a picture of a very familiar, pink-haired girl that Sasuke couldn't place.

"You want me to read trashy excuses for newspapers?"

"The girl," Kakashi said impatiently. "Her name is Haruno Sakura. She's at the school you hate. Ring any bells?" There was a long pause. "Moron. Anyway, the press is making her and Uzumaki out to be a couple. But if you date her, the publicity from that will put you back on top."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Sasuke said flatly.

"It's your career. But, hey, if you don't want to be a model anymore I can try to beat out Anko as Uzumaki's agent," Kakashi said sarcastically.

Sasuke glowered and left without saying a word, but Kakashi knew he had made his point very clearly. The door slammed shut and Kakashi shook his head. "Maybe the Uzumaki boy would be better than him."

* * *

"So, is this good?"

Gaara turned around on his bed to face the questioner, hand in a rather large box of chocolate chip cookies.

"So," said Naruto, "what d'ya think?"

Gaara promptly started choking on a cookie.

"Whaaaat?!"

"You look like second year Draco Malfoy." Naruto had slicked his hair back and was wearing a tuxedo. "Did you let Hidan do your hair or something?" Gaara continued. Hidan was a senior who was well-known for his religious mania and large amount of hair gel. In short, people liked to throw shit at him and set off one of his swearing tangents.

As Naruto opened his mouth (perhaps to go on a swearing tangent of his own) Gaara swiftly interrupted him. "What the hell are you dressed like that for anyway?"

Naruto immediately brightened, metaphorical pink hearts in his eyes. "I have a date with Sakura-chaaaaaan!"

Gaara gaped openly at him. "…"

"Why do you look so surprised?" Naruto asked innocently.

The wheels in Gaara's mind were turning and he knew that what was happening was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. She was using him. SO very wrong. Wrong. Goddamn it all. Wrong!

"Hey! Where are you going?" Naruto shouted as Gaara left with the box of cookies. "You didn't say what you thought! I wanted one of those cookies!"

* * *

Gaara found Shikamaru asleep on the sofa in the common room. A handle-bar mustache and a matching goatee had been drawn on his face with a sharpie. Gaara woke him up. "Damn, you weren't even drunk this time," he said, handing the boy a cookie.

"Eh. Got a mirror?"

"Yes, because I carry mirrors around with me _all_ the time," Gaara replied sarcastically.

Shikamaru groaned. "So why am I awake?"

Gaara narrowed his eyes. "It has to do with a certain blonde."

"Not Ino again. Every time we have a "study session," she keeps running her hand up my leg and—"

"It's not Ino," Gaara interrupted tersely.

"Temari?"

"Naruto, you fool!"

Shikamaru got up off the sofa and stretched. "Oh. Surprise, surprise. What did he do now?"

"He's going on a date. Guess who?"

"I'm guessing it's not Hinata, or else you wouldn't look this emotionless."

"It's Haruno. Sakura Haruno."

"Oh," Shikamaru said, catching on. "Yeah, that could prove problematic."

"Hn," Gaara added helpfully.

"So naturally, we have to go save his ass, _again_."

"Hn," Gaara agreed.

"I would recommend not telling Lee. He's not particularly good with this sort of thing."

"So I'll call when he heads out."

"Yeah. By the way, you wouldn't happen to have a moist towellette?" Shikamaru asked, pointing to his new facial hair.

"Oh, yes. I keep those next to my mirror."

"Sarcastic emo."

"Your point?"

* * *

_Dear Kyuubi,_

_I don't have much time to talk since I'm about to go on the most awesomest night of my life. And if you can't tell what that could possibly be, then you're on drugs. Or stupid. Or don't pay attention. Or a lot of other nasty things I can't think of right now because I'm too busy thinking about what will happen tonight. _

_Anyway, I really ought to go like now. I'm supposed to meet Sakura-chan outside her dorm in five minutes. And anyway, Gaara is giving me really weird looks and not sharing the cookies. He stormed off a minute ago and then came back telling funny stories about how Shikamaru got sharpied again._

_I have no more time for you, Kyuubi. Peace out!_

**

* * *

**

Authors' Note: Hey Everyone. First of all we have an enormous apology. We realize it's been over three months since we've updated. We blame the fact that it was summer and thus we didn't have any classes to ignore together. Now however, school is back and so is this story. We'll try to be better about updating, but it takes awhile for us both to have time to write. Anyway, we sincerely hope you enjoyed this chapter of "That's What She Said" and we thank every one who stuck through the long gaps in updating. Sonja and Steph :)


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